July 2011
12 posts
June 2011
21 posts
Blink 182 Joke
Q: What did Mark Hoppus say after getting off the roller coaster?
A: Well I guess this is throwing up.
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Family Love Michael
I come from a big gigantic family. I have seven siblings - four brothers and three sisters, ranging in age from 19-33. In recent history, it really feels as if the age gap is sliding, and the maturity is at an all-time low.
On Sunday, I went out to my parents’ house in the suburbs for Father’s Day/my brother Christopher’s birthday. It’s a rare occasion that six out of eight of us are in the Chicago area (plus two awesome spouses), so we like to take advantage of whatever time we have together. The whole family was in a state of rolling hangovers from cousin Maggie’s wedding the night before, so the giggle fest was set in motion fairly easily.
After a nice dinner on the porch, we were cleaning up the kitchen, when my brothers Christopher (29), Danny (23) & Matthew (21) started playing catch with a cantaloupe. This, in itself, was enough to reduce my mom & I to tears laughing. My mom & I left the room to go retrieve more plates, and while we were gone, Christopher (29) bet Danny $25 to spike it to the ground in front of my mom. We came back in the room, Christopher tossed the cantaloupe to Danny and he spiked it hard into the ground a couple yards from my Mom’s feet. The funniest part was, as he was raising his Water Polo arm up to spike it down, my mom knew what was going to happen and said “DON’T YOU DARE SPIKE THAT CANTALOUPE!”
And then we all peed our pants laughing.
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“When weather permits (as it often does in the South), sundresses are the best option—in florals, stripes, polka dots, or solids, and never too short, tight, or revealing. You wouldn’t want to look like a state school girl, would you?”
—A Guide to Dressing Like A (Southern) Liberal Arts Student « Thought Catalog
“Speaking of nervous breakdowns, let’s talk about what happens when your crush signed your yearbook. Jesus, just thinking about it gives me ultra teenage anxiety. When you give your crush that book, you’re giving them free reign to either ruin or make your life. You are quite literally signing your life away. But let’s say you do it and your crush signs it with something like this, “hey. u r really funny. see you in the fall!” That’s not good enough. That means you’re spending the rest of the afternoon crying because you wrote in their yearbook, “hey. i think you’re really cool. let’s hang out this summer. 805-555-5555.” Yeah, dude. You gave your number out, which is like yearbook porn. And if that’s not reciprocated, it feels like the ultimate rejection. On the other hand, they could totally pull a John Hughes on you and be really flirty and suggestive. I mean, if you’re going to get real with someone, you’re going to do it in their yearbook. It’s where everything goes down.”
—How To Sign Someone’s Yearbook « Thought Catalog
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On pipe dreams
- Me: I'm gonna keep buying lotto tix so we can work on buying that warehouse
- Jess: ok good
- Me: Either that or I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way.
- 1) Marry a rich old man
- 2) Get hit by a Lexus
- or 3) The Curly Sue combo. Get hit by a Lexus being driven by a rich old man.
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